Welcome to Couples Therapy!

If you clicked on this blog post chances are you're likely in a romantic relationship or hope to be in one someday.

There are few things that are as exciting and intoxicating as the promise of lifelong partnership, friendship, belonging, and love. We all want to belong, to feel wanted, to be cherished, and to be loved and known. That's what so entices us about marriage.

The thing is though, so often that dream falls apart when we get married. Marriage is hard. Navigating the many differences that come from being two different people while trying to merge our lives and lifestyles can seem like an impossible task. And to make matters worse, it's hard to find good role models. Most of us are surrounded by mediocre marriages at best, and we don't really get an insider's view of a happy, healthy marriage.

We're left without a manual and a myriad of issues that naturally arise when two people with two different histories, needs, perspectives, and values try to do life together.

That's where couples therapy comes in.

What is Couples therapy?

Couples therapy is all about helping couples build marriages that last, taking into account each person individually and the relationship as a whole.

No one starts off a romantic relationship or marriage thinking they are going to struggle immensely even though every relationship contains within it challenges, areas where we disagree, areas where we may not be as content as we had hoped for, misunderstandings, false assumptions, and missed expectations.

Couples work is not about eliminating these obstacles but about learning how to respond to them and transforming them into opportunities for connection.

As founder of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) Susan Johnson puts it, a couple's dynamic is quite similar to a dance. We can either step on each other's toes, dance out of sync with one another, and dance around each other OR we can coordinate with each other, identify roles, communicate, and get into our own beautiful unique rhythm.

Learning these steps is a process, one that requires commitment, energy, and a desire for improvement.

And that is what we learn in Couples Therapy in a nutshell.

The work is both deep and practical; it involves understanding the root of a couple's struggle, helping each individual understand their own and each other's perspectives in a non-threatening way, and developing systems that better serve the coupleship based on both individual and relationship needs.

In couples therapy, we dive into topics like:

• Division of labor

• Identification of roles

• Navigating finances

• Emotional intimacy and vulnerability

• Physical intimacy

• Navigating traumas

• Parenting

• Maintaining individuality while being part of a team

• Communication

• Religious and values-based discrepancies

• Individual and relational needs

Who is couples therapy for?

Couples therapy is for the couple who is struggling. They may be constantly fighting or in a cold war. They have a difficult time resolving issues and get stuck often. They may have forgotten what it's like to be friends or they may have never been friends at all.

Couples therapy is also for the couple that is doing great. They have a solid relationship, and they want to keep it that way. They utilize this therapy so that they can maintain their connection or so that they can proactively figure things out before they potentially spiral.

Ironically, the best time to start couples therapy is when a couple is doing well. This is because they aren't trapped in hurt and resentment (which is exhausting!) and have the brain space and energy to learn skills, take on a different perspective, and build something beautiful on their strong foundation.

HOW LONG DOES couples THERAPY TAKE?

The bad news is there is no set amount of time allocated for couples therapy. This type of therapy can take as short as a few months for couples who have very specific, targeted goals or years for couples that have a lot of things they want help sorting through. The good news is, the couple gets to decide how much time and energy they would like to invest in the therapy process; they get to call the shots and customize their therapy experience based on what works best for them. And of course, if additional issues come up in session, the duration of treatment will increase.

Which modalities do you use?

Our approach is eclectic. This means that we draw from many different modalities of therapy so that the treatment is truly tailored to your individual needs.

Some examples of modalities that we use include:

• Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT)

• Gottman Method

• Solution Focused Therapy

• Strength Based Therapy

• Cognitive Behavioral Therapy

• Psychodynamics

• Attachment theory

• Somatic Experiencing

We may integrate one or some of these modalities in a single session or mix things up from session to session. How we decide which modality to use is solely based on what your goals are, which topics you are coming to session with, and what you are looking for in the moment. There may be times, for example, that you may want to go super deep, and other times where you would like a practical takeaway to implement into your life in between sessions.

At the end of the day, what is most important to us is that we honor and work with your pace and comfort level.

What can I expect to learn in couples therapy?

In couples therapy, we work with the clients' histories, values, beliefs, and unique dynamic to help clients channel these parts of themselves so that they are adaptive instead of damaging to their marital wellbeing.

Clients learn specific techniques that improve their communication skills, pinpoint and advocate for their needs, and resolve disagreements and misunderstandings.

Couples also learn how to hold each other in their life experiences, traumas, and more vulnerable moments as well as how to build a deeper friendship and emotional intimacy with one another.

How do I know if Couples Therapy is right for me?

Couples therapy is right for you if you:

• Struggle to communicate with your spouse

• Get into the same fights over and over again (check out our blog post about how to fight right)

• Don't have anything to talk about with your spouse

• Aren't connecting with your spouse

• Forgot why you married your spouse in the first place

• Aren't interested in spending time with your spouse

• Or your spouse has changed in a big way and are struggling to acclimate

• Don't know if you should stay in your marriage or get divorced

• Can't get on the same page about things that are important to you (like finances, parenting, family, religion, etc.)

• Want to bring your marriage from good to great

Can I be in Couples Therapy if My Spouse Won't Come?

The short answer is absolutely! We have an article about it for a more in depth understanding of how couples therapy can work even if your spouse doesn't come to sessions that you can read here.

In Short

Bringing two individuals together with all their strengths, quirks, perspectives, values, and abilities is nothing short of magical.

The ride though does come with its fair share of challenges. At Embrace Therapy, we use evidence-based treatments to help you navigate those challenges so that you can build the marriage you always dreamed of.

If you feel couples therapy is your next right step, we are here to hold your hand every step of the way.