5 Harmful Messages About Intimacy in the Frum Community
- Mar 6, 2025
- 2 min read
You have to consummate your marriage on the wedding night.
Nope, nope, and nope! It might be a mitzvah to be intimate on your wedding night, but it’s NOT an avierah not to. Being intimate without FULL CONSENT or COMFORT for both of you can have HUGE ramifications.
DON’T pressure yourself to consummate the marriage on the wedding night
DO focus on doing something emotionally and/or physically intimate, and JUST ENJOY EACH OTHER. Everything will happen in the right time.
If I don’t want sex, then I must be asexual (or there’s something wrong with me).
It’s not that you don’t desire sex at all, it’s that you don’t want the sex you’re currently having.
Change the vibe (not you!) and match your sex life to your preferences. You’ll see how quickly you get in the mood!
There are so many tools and resources. Sex Therapists can help you work through these challenges.
Talking about sex is Taboo, or ‘not modest.’
The stigma and culture around sex in the frum community can be so harmful and a huge hindrance for many couples.
LET’S SHED THIS MINDSET.
According to Jewish values, sex is such an essential part of marriage, and should be enjoyable.
Yes, it’s private, but NO, it’s not immodest. Let’s normalize talking about sex with our spouse or professionals to get our needs met and have a happy and fulfilling sex life.
You have to have sex on mikvah night.
Again. Mitzvah? YES. Aveirah not to? NO.
THE PRESSURE AROUND MIKVAH NIGHT CAN BE HARMFUL.
Sex should be used as a means of connecting with each other. If there are conflicts that aren’t resolved, or sex lacks excitement and one of you feels ‘forced’ - that will lead to RESENTMENT.
Sex should be consensual AND enjoyable for couples. Process through your understanding of the Mitzvah, and your feelings around it with yourself, your spouse, a professional and/or a rav.
You’ll just ‘figure it out.’
Many, many people do NOT ‘just figure it out.’ That’s completely normal, and they shouldn’t be expected to.
You wouldn’t expect a doctor without clinical practice to ‘JUST FIGURE IT OUT.’
Oftentimes, marriage is the first sexual experience for frum couples. It’s completely normal to feel unprepared or out of your element.
Let’s normalize reaching out for guidance, and help.
Let’s also normalize proper training for chosson and kallah teachers, who are the main/first sex educators for couples in the frum world.
UNFORTUNATELY, many of these messages are taught and ingrained into us, and can have a damaging impact on the quality of relationships and marriages. As Frum therapists, we have both the knowledge and understanding of the issues, and have helped many frum couples with these struggles.
FORTUNATELY, with proper guidance, it's possible to rewire or reframe our knowledge, fears, and ideas around sexual intimacy in our relationships. If you struggle with some of these thoughts or notions, WE CAN HELP.
We understand the sensitivity around these issues, and we treat it with the utmost privacy and care. There's no shame. REACH OUT TO SCHEDULE A FREE CONSULTATION TODAY.
Sincerely,
The Embrace Therapy Team
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