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VIBRATORS FOR NEWBIES


WHAT IT IS:


Just the word vibrator can send many people in the frum community running for the hills! However, when you think about it, a vibrator is simply a tool—an aid designed to enhance intimacy in the bedroom.


There are several types of vibrators: some provide internal stimulation, others focus on external stimulation (such as the clitoris), and some offer a combination of both internal and external stimulation.


They vary in design and options, here are a few examples of different features:

• Waterproof

• Speed options

• Rhythm options (including rhythmic motions to create a teasing effect)

• Suction


HOW IT WORKS:


In short, a vibrator creates vibrations that stimulate sensitive areas, like the clitoris or other parts of the body, to increase pleasure. Like any sex toy, the purpose of a vibrator is to boost arousal (and desire) and increase a person's sexual pleasure. 


Only 18–25% of women consistently orgasm from vaginal intercourse alone, while 60–80% of women require clitoral stimulation to orgasm.

Some women only experience an orgasm for the first time with a vibrator! In order to explore your pleasure points, it's also important to know your anatomy.


A vibrator can be used alone or with a partner - it's a great way to explore in a relaxed, private setting. You can experiment to discover specific areas of pleasure, as well as your preferences for motions, speeds, and levels of pressure, and use that knowledge in your sex life with your spouse!


Especially in the frum community, many women don't know how to create pleasure for themselves. Husbands may ask them, "What can I do to give you pleasure?" and they have no clue how to respond.


A vibrator can be a fantastic tool for self-discovery and knowledge for you and your spouse.


Common Vibrator Concerns and Obstacles


  1. Fear of the unknown - A vibrator can seem foreign to some people. It's human nature to feel scared or nervous about something that seems different or strange. Like anything new, the way forward is by trying it out. You wouldn't know you liked chocolate had you never tasted it before.  The same is true for any intimacy tools you decide to try.


  1. Inadequacy - A vibrator can challenge the belief that everything in the bedroom has to be natural, meaning from our spouses and without any aids.  We or our spouses may worry that we're not good enough in the bedroom if we prefer to use anything other than the body to create pleasure. I like to challenge that idea by pointing out that we do use aids without calling them aids all the time, and we typically have no hangups with them.  Pillows, blankets, lubricants, perfume, lingerie, or just a nice pair of pj's, a thermostat, a sound machine, and candles are just some of the many examples of things we use to help us create a pleasurable ambiance and experience. Besides, if using a sexual tool is the only thing standing between you and a thriving intimate life, it will be worth your while to give it a try!

  2. Lack of education - Many people are curious about using a vibrator but don't know how to use one. It can be intimidating to try and figure out, and it's not exactly the kind of thing you call up your mother or friend about to ask how to use it. It's normal to feel intimidated - there are many online tutorials and guides that you can use in addition to the instructions that come with the vibrator.

  3. Cultural/Religious Stigma: feelings that using a vibrator is taboo, inappropriate, or conflicts with your values or upbringing. The idea of using one might feel 'trashy' or simply shameful and wrong. Using a vibrator doesn't have to conflict with your values—it can be framed as a tool to enhance intimacy and strengthen marital bonds.

    If you are struggling with these thoughts, it would be a great thing to work through with a qualified sex therapist, especially one who understands the cultural and religious stigma relating to sex toys and sex in general.

  4. MY MAILMAN WILL KNOW 😬😶: Have no fear. Vibrators bought from legitimate sources usually come in discreet packaging and will specify that at checkout!



For more customized lessons that are specific to you, it might be worth meeting with a sex therapist so that you can take charge of your own pleasure. At Embrace Therapy, our (male and female) clinicians are very familiar with these issues and have a lot of experience helping frum individuals/couples work through these obstacles.


WHEN IT'S USEFUL:


As a sex therapist, I often recommend a client purchase a vibrator if:


1. Your goal is to experience orgasms, and you have not yet had the experience or have a hard time getting there with sex with your partner.


2. You have trouble breaking down and then communicating to your spouse what feels good for you.


3. You aren't even sure what your pleasure preferences are.


4. You just want to try new things or spice things up a bit.



TIPS FOR NEWBIES:


  • If you are a vibrator amateur, you want to make sure your first vibrator is simple and low-key. You'll want to look for a vibrator that has different speed options and rhythm options for you to try.


  • Because the majority of women orgasm from clitoral stimulation rather than vaginal stimulation, I usually advise going with a vibrator that has a clitoral stimulation option.


  • When your vibrator first comes (woohoo!), clean it well with warm water and soap (also super important after each use for proper hygiene). It'll also need either batteries or to be charged.


  • When you're ready to try it out, first go through the different rhythm options by placing the vibrator on the palm of your hand. This can lower any anxiety when trying it out and get you familiar with the feel and features.


I recommend going with the tamest rhythm and lowest speed setting when you first start.  Think: Low and Slow

  • Start putting the vibrator on different parts of your body, and when you feel ready, move the vibrator to your erogenous zones. You can start with the inner thigh, lower stomach, and mons and see how that feels. If you feel ready for more intensity, you can then bring the vibrator to the clitoral hood and labia. For the next level of intensity, you can then see how it feels on the clitoris and/or in the vagina.


  • You can gradually increase the intensity of the settings when you feel ready. Some people prefer the low settings, and that works for them. You do you!


You'll know you've moved too fast if it feels like you might urinate all over yourself or if you feel irritated or frustrated (not in a good way).


And remember: the key is to enjoy and experience pleasure, whether that brings you to orgasm or not.


LINKS & RECOMMENDATIONS:


Here are some links to some of my vibrator recommendations:










We hope you found this helpful and are open to embracing the addition of more pleasure to your sex life and relationship. If you have any questions or want to work through some of your personal obstacles or hesitations, feel free to reach out to our Embrace team today!

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